Corbin's Proven Poultices and Remedies
No one wants to travel with a bunch of sickly, disease infested, and surely vagrants. So for my benefit (Corbin) and yours, feel free to share in my wisdom in the arts of medicine so that we can have happier and healthier travels together.
Non Life Threatening Maladies
Sore tooth, infected gums, bad breathe – My Grandpa used to always say “for a smile on your face, give some pussy a taste.” Didn’t realize at the time that he was referring to felines. Always assumed that was why Grandma was such an athletic woman. Turns out, that most maladies of the mouth can be cured by gargling a cup of cat pee. Just make sure that the cat pee is fresh, and you gargle for a good minute. If the problem is not gone the next day, just rinse and repeat.
Muscle aches – Well this is a common one, especially when you are swinging that darn battle axe around until the wee hours of the morning. You know I remember the first time I tried to ride a horse, damn colt kept jumping around. My balls felt like an ogre had done jumping jacks on them. Well, here is a handy trick that every healer should know. Take a wet cloth and leave it out on a cold night. Take that cloth in the morning and wrap whatever sore spot you got with it. Then while the cloth is on, take a stick and whack that spot 14 times as hard as you can. After that, you can take the cloth off. I guarantee that in two days it will be feeling much better. Worked like a miracle on my balls.
Head aches – You know this is one of the worst maladies you can have that likely won’t kill you. Though sometimes you wish it would. This one is an easy one. If you can find a tall skinny white barked tree called the Cheefer Tree in your travels, shave off some bark, about a 2 square inches worth. Take that bark, soak it in warm water for one hour then grind it with the pommel of your favorite butchering utensil. When you have it down to almost a fine white powder. take the edge of said utensil and use it to form the powder into thin lines on a flat surface. take your index finger and use it to pinch closed either one of your nostrils. Then snort the powder up the other nostril. It is perfectly normal to feel slightly sluggish and invincible for the first hour after snorting the powder. Some people claim that feel like they are everybody’s friend for a bit after. Once that feeling fades, they then feel like everyone’s enemy. That too will pass. A few hours later, your headache will feel much better. Careful, this one works so well, some folks tend to kinda get addicted and start doing it even when they don’t have a headache.
Life Threatening Maladies
Axe in the face – If you are so unfortunate as to end up with someone’s axe firmly planted in your face, then you might be in real hot water. This one is a tough one to deal with as time is usual a precious commodity. Now before I let you in on my secret cure for this, you will need to understand that nothing you do will ever make you pretty again. Depending on how the blow landed, the scaring might make your face look like someones ass crack. But, I digress. The only true cure for this, is to run to your nearest cleric and beg that he cure you on the spot. What? I’m not miracle max here, no bark or herbs are going to pull your ass out of this one. You need some fucking professional attention here. Keep in mind that clerics like to be appreciated and it never hurts to bring donuts to sweeten the deal.
Large gaping wound – We have all ended up lying on the battlefield bleeding like a stuck pig at some point or other. It’s not pretty and that stuff stains clothing if not treated with cold water quick enough. However, there are two things that you can do to stop the bleeding when you have a large wound, and the clerics are busy pulling axes out of peoples faces. First, you can seal it by covering the wound with a piece of animal flesh (preferably fresh). Take a lit torch or a burning stick and apply the heat to the animal flesh to cause it to fuse to your wound. Warning, this is really gross and hurts like hell. Personally, I would not do that, however I am a cleric and would just cure myself if ever in that situation. The second tactic, is to take a strip of clothing that has been soaked in fast moving water (river). Pour some alcohol on the strip of cloth. Take some clay and put a thing layer of the clay on the side of the cloth where you poured the alcohol. Take a piece of leather or cork and stuff it in your mouth. Take the cloth and secure it on the wound. Be prepare for the pain and the take advantage of the cork or leather in your mouth and bite down for all your worth. If you hurt your mouth just following the cat pee suggestion farther up. Check this makeshift bandage once every two hours until the bleeding has completely stopped. Maybe now the clerics will have time for you.
Zombie Rot – Here is an interesting fact; Some of the more conspiratorial members of the gnome community believe that Zombie Rot was created by the “Tall Folk” to control the overgrowing population of gnomes. Of course this is just silly. Anyways, the trick behind dealing with Zombie Rot is to clear the toxins from the body. Zombie Rot toxins are attracted to warm oils. This is why it chooses humanoids as a host. The trick to getting rid of it is to strip down naked and smear your body with animal fat (preferably chicken fat). Lie down covered in the stuff, in the hot sun all day and this will get the fat nice and warm and attract the toxins out. Now, don’t let it cool down or they will just jump back into you again. You must wash the fat off of you while maintaining the temperature. My suggestion is to take a bath in very hot or boiling water. This can be done by having a nice big pot of water sitting over a camp fire. Zombie Toxins really dislike garlic and onions, they make the toxins sluggish. I suggest have a healthy dose of both of these in the pot you are sitting in. Slowly lower yourself naked, covered in chicken fat into the pot. Now those Zombie Rot toxins should be floating around you. Finally, you want the toxins to settle onto something solid. My uncle once treated a fellow with this, and his solution was to throw a box full of dry noodles he had sitting by the fire into the pot. So now you have yourself naked, covered in chicken fat, soaking in a pot of boiling water with garlic, onions, and noodles. Try and stay in there for about 5-7 minutes or until the noodles have softened. Then server….er, I mean you can get out and dry yourself off. You are cured!
I hope these suggestions are beneficial for you and please let me know if there are any maladies that you would like to know the remedy for.